What Are You Thinking?

Jack's Pail of Water can Leak! Firemans Are Clearly Better.

2011-11-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

So I must write this last letter about Jack. I was at a friends birthday party and he continuously asked me over, all the way out to Langly. He convinced me even though it was a rush-job. I was out in the sun all day (so I felt gross) and I had to feed my cat (because I was out all day) but in the end he convinced me because I think that he showed that "I want to see you" effort in begging me. I told him that I would come out as long as I could complete what my plans were; sitting outside at the park watching the stars while enjoying a smoke. He agreed that he'd totally watch the stars with me, so I went. Big Mistake.

It took me two hours to bus there. I gave him updates so he could be sure to meet me at the bus stop for when I got off the bus in a strange area at 12am. When I got there he just then said he was leaving. Thanks. Needing to go to the washroom SOOO badly I tried to look around the mall for some hidden bushes. Nothing! I called him and asked him which direction that he was coming from because I figured me walking towards him would be more effiencient. I got the direction and started walking and I noticed he was with a friend and his dog. Great. Is this his roomate? His dog was wonderful, Maggie. Cute Cute Cute!

So we walk back to his house. I'm overwhelmed and pissed off cause I need to pee and their taking their sweet ass time. When we get back to his house I'm appauled. I'm litterally taken aback from the state of the living space that they have subjected themselves too. There is no order to his house everything just looks thrown together. I dunno if I wanna sit down anywhere! I quickly asked for Jack to grab me a clean towel and I will go ahead and shower so I can feel clean. First things first. He grabs me one and I enter the bathroom. You have to be kidding me. The place looks like it hasn't been cleaned in two years. There is a ring of gross dirt around the tub and I thought to myself. I'm on Just for Laughs right? I'm all looking for a camera. I thought that it would be best to get clean and not spend a lot of time in there and that's what I did. I took a 3 minute shower, litterally. I didn't even bother wetting my hair - not going to bother!

I was in and out and then went into the living room to sit all by myself where a third guy was there. For some reason I thought that they all had this plan that they just wanted to talk me into a three some however that wasn't happening when the state of their apartment looked like a bomb went off and they were too lazy to do anything about it. I wanted to get out of there and asked Jack if we could go to the park "No" he says, "He's not really down for watching the stars". His friends laugh and I say that I want to go out and do girly things, why did I come there then. He responded that he didn't know and ignored me after that. I got up to check bus times - stuck. Pissed off that I didn't have money for a cab. Should I make him pay?

Jacks friend saw that I was being ignored and offered me a smoke. Sure! I'm so ticked off I'll take a smoke for SURE! I said thank you that this will provide me some release from bordome. He chimed in that if I was bored he would be down for having some fun .... O_o ... No thank you - he's ugly.

Appauled I finished my smoke and asked Jack if I could lay down as his friend staring at my boobs was freaking me out a little. He obliged trying to get me into bed himself but I kept saying no no no no. This place was a cock blocker and no woman wants to get nakid. He put in a porno picture as decoration to keep me company. Thanks.

You know, I'm so appauled by what happened I don't even want to type about it anymore! The jist of it was that he's an asshole, I'm not a bitch. He has no respect for woman, and I he doesn't deserve me - even as a friend. I saw him at Occupy Vancouver and must say that I miss him in one way, but for the others - he's not even worth contacting any further.

So moving on from that wreckage ...

The fireman is back in my life. He's made it clear however that I'm not allowed to like him more then friends. Dammit. At least he can offer the friends thing (which he couldn't before). We get a long so well it makes me giddy sometimes and I get outta hand but, alas at the end of the day I need to focus on me, myself, and I and my future! As he's mentioned he's working on himself and also working on his future I too need to drop being so distracted by a man and focus. If he gets weak in a relationship that means he may loose his independence. I suppose he's like me in that way which is another reason why I can't be a girlfriend right now.

I've shut down my dating profiles and decided to focus now on music and boy do I have a lot to say about that right now!

Jack with No Jill and I'm Left with a Pail of Water

2011-10-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while, but that's also because my guard has been up towards so many fella's weeding out whom may not be suitable for my personal evolution in life. Lately I really feel like I should be handing out this boyfriend application to make this a little easier, there are a lot of potential suitors and with my hilarious luck, I’m dumbstruck of what I encounter. This is why I don’t like being single, you have to put up with these jokers! While I’m disappointed that most are not my type, I can’t help but feel my ego inflate - a bit, just a tiny bit. *hehehehehe*

The fireman, he's no longer a point of interest as my previous entry hinted towards. I tried to be friends and he tried to keep his leash on me saying he wants to get together but he's typically only interested in one thing. Our last conversation was me letting him know what exactly I felt he was wanting, not sure why guys are such a wolf in sheep’s clothing when you’re trying to get truth out of them. Just be real! Just tell me what you want instead of trying to be a girl and manipulate your way! Truth is the best thing for me, you try to pull the wool over my eyes and chances are I will never trust you and then start to act, “Crazy” and “Weird”. He said that he wasn't sure if he could offer me more then just a booty call since he was moving away. I said that's its too bad he can't offer friends because I found him to be interesting. So, with me saying that he believed I still wanted him to get into my pants, not denying my previous explanation of his actions. No ... I really wanted more like minded people in my life and when he said that he wanted to get together before he left but, not to be mad if it got sexual I responded telling him not to get mad and leave if I say, “No.” He returned an, “LoL” and that's the last I heard from him. How could he think I’d jump into the sac with him when he doesn’t put forth an effort to give me the time of day? What an idiot! I think I can officially delete him from my phone and Facebook and wish him a lovely life. Done.

So new news! Enter Jack. Another 25 year old. Seems to be that this age isn't exactly working out for me; oh sigh!

So right from the get go I know this guy doesn’t want a relationship. He’s been avoiding them for some time and that’s fine. I’m not ready for one although I want one so I what I made clear is I want something casual, but I won’t stand for being a booty call, I want to feel a little more important than that. He’s fine with that knowing some of my history and I’m fine with what he’s looking for because I’m not ready. Good, line drawn.

We talked for a better part of a month, initially just in passing. We never flirted or anything just a casual friendship, someone that we liked to chat with at the end of our day. I’m not sure where it changed maybe on my trip to Prince George when we’d sign in late at night, find each other, and talk until we couldn’t talk anymore because we’d pass out. When I got back I had someone harassing me on this dating app so I decided to close my account, give Jack my number and if he wanted to talk still – he could use it. He did and from that day on he messaged me quite frequently for someone who doesn’t want or is interested in a relationship. He texted me first, basically as soon as he got up. At this moment it’s safe to say that we had a crush on each others minds and the fantasy that we built up within.

Not a good start ...

I am Jacks sheepish fool. We planned to get together and we were really excited to do so. I was trying to figure out where we could go as the weather was just amazing and I felt like the beach. Wreck beach is beautiful and somewhere I wanted to be - he's never seen the area so I thought that it would be wonderful.

[Insert Beach Image]

However after further investigating we found out that it would take us longer then him getting to me from his area of town. He certainly didn't want to be on transit for close to 3 hours and I wouldn't blame him. We decided to grab some beverages and have a night in.

When I saw him my heart sank. He was smaller then I envisioned him. I imagined him to be a tall handsome fellow and instead I get a guy who's smaller framed then I am who looks like a punk - great. :(

At first I was a little put off by my disappointment and didn't wish to get closer to him. The way he spoke screamed "douche" and the things he said screamed "immature moron" but alas, I put up with it because he came all the way out to see me. If we didn't hit it off that way I wouldn't be disappointed. When we were talking he asked if I was too young for him - I should have said yes but the honest truth is that a 25 year old is the very age that seems to be mostly attracted to me. Either that or creepy 35+ . Hardly anyone around my age ... bah.

When he was describing how great he is with showing up the law because he knows more about the law then they put in force, I found myself again going, "Oh gawd this sucks, he's retarded" in my head but then I slowly just realized - "Let yourself have fun. This isn't a serious thing and he doesn't want to be serious so why are you making it serious? You don't have to like him". Then I slowly relaxed enough so that he could go to hug me and burn me in the face with his cigarette. Fuck You buddy. I am big on signs ... this could foretell that I will be burnt in the future ... however as a woman with needs I didn't listen. He challenged me. He brought out the bitch. He

brought out defenses and I found it to be fun because of the challenges, after all - there is no commitment.

I was kind of ready to say goodbye after our first meeting however, he was still messaging me everyday and flirting and acting like he was all in like with me. Also, he wanted to see me again. Hmm

I Guess This Is It?

2011-07-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

Enter another fellow, an aspiring fireman. He doesn’t live at home but, with roommates. He loves to nerd it up with me and talk about ancient history and the ancient astronaut theories that are going around right now. I really like connecting over mind blowing conversations of interest, ~~such a geek~~.

Things started out really well with him and I was surprised about how well we connected mentally and physically. It seemed like we just fit – it was really comfortable and peaking my interest. He acted how I like guys to treat a lady and he did regular flirty things and said he was looking for something steady. Regrettably I believe I’ve misunderstood him in that.

See, I’m tired of the physical getting in the way and I seem to have this dream of how things are going to play out in my head and then I get crushed when they don’t. I really have to stop doing this because my last relationship, such a beautiful time in my life, ended because I was trying to live up to a fantasy – just as he was. Unfortunately there was no trust in the relationship on how it began either so I’m quite in arms and particular about screening the men I meet.

The vast majority of my connections seem to end up in disappointment simply due to the fact that they’re usually already attached. Depending on the man it can range from not telling at all and keeping it completely from you, telling you right upfront – take it or leave it, or play the sympathy card – I so too have morals and values but I just need an escape. Some men have an open relationship and I look interesting enough to bring into the bedroom. So the times when a gentleman comes along, that is strong and handsome and could whisk you away … you can’t help but become their charm.

However I decided to keep a level head and not get too tangled up in the “wooing” he was doing. He was trying to spend his time on me, and I fell for it willingly – up until a point.

He hardly talked to me the following week because he understandably had major exams. I put in the effort to keep in touch and he randomly said we’d meet for a second time late one Saturday night, maybe. I wanted to see him because I was genuinely interested in seeing where this relation was going but, when he got in it just seemed off.

He has the right demeanours towards me but something in my gut said, “Don’t sleep with him. Don’t sleep with him – don’t let it happen.” And, I didn’t. I fought hard through his hotness to stop him in his tracks. I gave him and out but he decided a story might be better (which sounds plausible).

So him going after a bit of awkward cuddles was rather uncomfortable. I texted the next day telling him basically that I liked him and I want to wait. I want to discover things differently. He said that he respected that he’s just more physical, signed with an lol. I texted him today and nothing.

Good bye immature fellow. I may have been very forward in saying that i was interested in more and wanted to explore that but, I’m not interested in wasting my time or anyone elses. Nor am I willing to waste sharing myself with dogs who pretend to be magical knights in shining armor. This kitty-kat is learning your tricks MISTERS.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice – never. ( I hope )

~~And don't think that it's easy to hold out either ...jerk ....~~

Jason :: Part Three [Final Chapter]

2011-06-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

I left the best for last. Reviewing this whole experience I understand that I shouldn't have been so tolerant. Because I had a glass before I left the house I felt a bit cloudy, but nice and I was thinking that I wasn't perceiving things correctly.

Jason decided to take two beers for the road, one for each pocket. Cool, he's going to end the night drinking responsibly or, so I thought.

While waiting for the bus I told him that I wish he hadn't drank a miki of rum before meeting and he said, "Me too."

We sat at the back of the bus and we didn't get that far into our trip before he cracked one of his cans; seriously? I had asked him not to before we left, how juvenile. I looked around at the other people and he wasn't doing a good job pretending it was pop. FAIL.

So slightly peeved I told him he sucked. However, he was feelin like a gangsta Having in a good time. "One less beer on him". His body language getting a little funny, he seems to be getting happier while I'm getting more miserable. Maybe I needed a few more. Being buzzed around drunk people can be very annoying in itself.

On the train we sat and listened to music, ahhhh. However when I looked at him he was staring off with a goofy grin. I asked him if he was okay and he confessed that he also did mushrooms. Are you kidding me?? Okay your deal is your thing but to loudly announce your 'triumph' on public transit while acting like a doofus - I have a problem feel comfortable with that. FML

So, I just sat there with my music and left him to whatever he was tripping to. Then he was getting ready to crack his other beer. I asked him politely and quietly (so as to not cause a scene) not to but he just had no break in his motion and cracked it. People looked and this one lady was always watching. She knew I was uncomfortable with his behaviour. After he cracked the beer he wanted to put his arm around me and I moved out of the way and remove it with a disgusted look on my face. I'm not your trophy in this type of situation. The rest of the train ride he was standing up looking out the doors. Good cause he stinks like a jerk face. Fucker.

[Flash forward]

We hardly say anything to each other on the bus and I figured well, might as well make the best and I started to alter my mood into positive and it almost started working. The sweet smell of the budding blossoms on the trees, the sweet inhale more oxygen than usual. The trees looked so lush and alive! I was happy in this world and the outside seemed to be doing him good as well.

For a moment or two we had to wait for my friend at their back door because they decided to take advantage of the weather and go to a friend’s BBQ. During this time Jason took off somewhere leaving me with a moment or two of silence. Ahhhh

After him stumbling back saying that he felt like he was in a movie, my friends come running up the alley and I provide introductions -- I thought Jason was going to hug them he invaded their personal space so much. I could tell that both of them were like, "Okay this guy is fucked!" He certainly was but, being the nice and accommodating friends they are - we proceeded to put up with his behaviour and offer him fake alcoholic drinks to shush him up for asking for beers.

I felt embarrassed. Why does this guy have to act how he's acting? I pulled my friends aside and apologized and they so understood. Again, being a wonderful person and thinking of Jason's well being I didn't want to be rude or a bitch but I was seriously annoyed and I couldn't focus on anything else that was happening other than his reDICKulous behaviour.

I really wanted to be there for him because I would expect the same if I was really messed up and somewhere I didn't know. So I asked for some advice about what I should do about his issue. I was told the best thing may be for him to go home and sleep it off. Say goodbye then and there. I was worried, naturally about needing to put up with him the rest of the weekend hoping he'd change. Big mistake ladies. Let this be your warning to never hope someone will change - they won't because they are being who they are and if they are happy with that- there is no amount of 'taming' you can do.

So I thought on it and observed. Then I snapped and asked him to join me outside for a moment as he was slurring and asking to take off his shirt to play shirts vs skins hockey on Xbox - um ... Not really required to tell who's who, bud.

Outside I let him know that his behaviour is less than pleasing and that I was almost to the point where I wanted to request him to pick up his stuff the next day. What a brilliant plan because then I wouldn't have to ride back with him in awkward silence, or deal with his babble of incoherent gibber-gabber. He said that we were having a good time and I scoffed, "What do you mean were having fun? Does my face look like I'm joyous? Does this conversation say, Jason - I'm having so much fun?? Naw man I'm not having fun and you’re the reason why."

He provided the body language of a wounded dog begging for another chance. Dammit ... I let him back in with a warning and he grinned. I made sure he understood, "you didn't win that conversation - you know." His smile disappeared.

At this point I was certain I didn't want him around and I was feeling uncomfortable because he's still sitting there being attracted to me freely expressing interest. Although flattered, I didn't feel the same.. I didn't feel like being kind to him either.

Time passes and he wanted me to sit next to him, I did so but then he went to grab for a beer that was being used as an ashtrays. He thought that there was beer in it that he could drink. At that point I was disgusted and again took him aside saying that were leaving. He said, "Cool, let me get my stuuuff." Little did he know that I was dealing with my … “situation”.

My friend asked if I needed a key to get back in, just in case. He always makes sure I’m taken care of, the sweetheart. I asked for the keys and Jason and I exited the house. He thought that we were on our way to go hang out just the two of us, not so. I didn’t want to make a scene inside of the house as I thought that this matter should be held discretely.

As soon as we got into the alley I told him in a low voice that I wanted him to go home because his behaviour was making me angry and I couldn't focus on anything else – like fun. I am not an angry person and he was making me so - and I didn't like it. I needed to purge the negative vortex feeling to even start to have a good time. He sulked.

The basics of our conversation was me trying to convince him that he wasn't in his right mind. To go home and pick up the stuff that was at my house, later. To him he was being himself and perfectly sober. Okay liar, common and win summore points here ...

I then said that if this was the way he acts and, if he’s always going to be searching for the next high or drink, if this is who he is all the time we will not mesh. Our behaviours do not get along and therefore I didn't want to be around him for the evening. He pleaded for another chance and for me to head back to my house with him so he could get his things. We proceeded to argue our points and I was losing more and more patience. Trying to engrain what I wanted into his head he asked, "Is there a game on or something?"

…ohnohedidn’t

The anger grew inside me and I verbally spewed, “Get the fuck up off your ass and get the hell of my friends property.” Even though it was an apartment building I still wanted him to, “Get yourself a cab and get the hell out of here and pick up your shit at my house tomorrow”.. He said he didn't know where he was so I offered to take Mr. Money bags to the bus stop if he didn't have money for a cab to get him home. We walked with myself leading the way about 10 paces in front of him.

We got to a point where I didn't even think another step of mine was worth his shit and I pointed towards the bus he just missed, as it zoomed by. I told him where to go and he just stood there askin’ for a light for his cigarette and I told him I didn't feel like even doing that for him and I gave him a lighter. He then started to talk me into going with him back to my place and I freaked out! "Look-it, I didn't walk you down here to have the same conversation that we just had up there. I took you down here so you can go home and pick your shit up another day. GO HoME n PICK up YOUR SHIT tomorrow DO-YOU-UNDERSTAND?!".

He quickly threw his smoke down like he had seen a ghost all while booking it in the wrong direction for the bus. Idiot. I kind of smiled because of the way he left - didn't know I could scare a man but, what an idiot running in the opposite direction. He pays attention so well!

First thought, I wonder if anyone else saw that.

I've never had to yell at someone like that. I was shaken over it and felt bad but still was slightly amused at the same time. I whimpered in loneliness knowing .. back to square one.

I continued the night healing from the experience, learning more about myself and the people I need in my life. I cried, but not just because of the guilt I felt. Not because I felt lonely; I cried because I just grew as a person and my friends are so amazing.

He did call me early to set up a time that he would come by for his things. After blowing that time he called and couldn’t promise he’d be at my apartment before 10pm. We planned for the next day for him to come by, which he did. He said he wanted to talk but he just talked over me saying apologies I didn’t believe. He then asked if I still wanted to hang out and I said that it would be best for him to leave.

So how did Jason do on Jessica’s Is this guy okay to date list? This guy doesn’t pass. If anything I will let him be in my life so that I can help him better his life and be true to he really is. I feel he’s crying out for help via drugs and alcohol. It’s a shame really.

Through this experience I collected a lot of valuable information about myself and who I need as a male partner. I also found out a lot of deal breakers and next time I will not be so tolerant with the behaviours that are deal breakers. Right from the get go, I will be open and honest as to what I need and feel about certain things, and that’s how it should be.

♥ Cal

Jason :: Part Two

2011-05-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

For the remainder of the weekend it was relaxing, sitting back and watching movies. I highly suggest weird Donny Darko and S.Darko. I also watched Carlito's Way. All very interesting films. I liked them very much.

When Jason finally ends up going home on the Sunday, the texting hardly stopped. I was beginning to think it was a wee bit strange in the behaviour area and, it crossed my mind if this texting everyday meant I might have trouble getting rid of him down the road. I shrug it off because I'm Miss Positive Polly; I let myself relax and enjoy it for what it was. After all, he's been totally respectful. Right?

So during our work week we gush over random silly things to pass our time quickly and decided that we should see each other on the weekend again. Awesome! A second date kind of thing. The plan was that I was to meet him at the Skytrain so he could come tanning so I could try this wickedly-awesome-expensive-best-on-the-market-tanning-lotion. Oh, and goggles that won't make me look like a raccoon. He was really keen on his tanning lotion!

During work, I found out that a friend of mine that I haven't seen in awhile actually had a day off!! However, it's the same day I was suppose to see Jason so I asked him if it would be okay if we hung out with my buddy too. Jason said he was down for whatever, whatever I wanted to do. He also suggested that maybe we go to The Aquarium or hit up Science World. Wow, as soon as he suggested that I felt so refreshed! Why? He was suggesting doing something and he was down for the things that I wanted, too. Just for the experience! It felt great to meet someone where we would go OUT and not stay in or, if I wanted to go somewhere he would come along and not back down making me feel like what I was about to do “ain't no fun”. .breathes. (more points)

5:00PM hits and I'm zooming out the office door happy and it an awesome mood. I felt like nothing could bring me down! I couldn't wipe the smile off my face it was such a beautiful day! I ended up meeting him at the Skytrain, as arranged and we went through the mall - myself feeling a tad bit awkward ~~and needing to go super fast because I needed to skip to the loo~~ because you see, he was drunk and slightly slurring and decided to get a new "Charlie Sheen" shirt. He also felt like the bright and noticeable shade of green was cool, like Luigi. *sigh* I didn't know what to say other then, "Please don't put it on. What will people say about me?"

He proceeded to put it on. An 'awesome' shirt that stated:

Stop being difficult and take it up the ass

Unimpressed, I gave a fake smile told him to take it off. I laughed it off.

He did eventually take it off when we were in the tanning salon. He made a comment about how a lady may not have liked it so that was enough for me to know he understood how stupid the shirt was.

Really now.

Then I was slightly embarrassed by his obnoxious pestering of the counter girl as she was trying to work. When we left he made sure to be friendly disregarding the folks sitting waiting to tan. She wasn’t at the front counter and he made a point to yell “GOOD BYYYEEE AMMAAANNDAAA, THANK YOUUUU!” Nice but, unnecessary.

We were right by the grocery store so I stopped in, just in case I/we got rained in for the weekend. Shopping went awesome! I didn’t feel hurried or guilty that I bothered to make a pit stop. He was talking a bit loud which irked me a little but hey - he started the party without me and he just scored some points for not hurrying me up. (Shh, I know what you’re thinking; I don’t take a long time you know. I’m an in and out type of shopper.)

On our way back he was talking gibber-jabber, which I ignored a wee bit cause I couldn’t understand it. The alcohol had been slowly kicking in and I was slowly getting more and more unimpressed. The height of the pleasant shopping was ending.

[I'm not sure why I just didn't tell him to take a hike right then and there just due to the fact he arrived with 3/4 of a miki of Bacardi rum. He drank it on his way ... sorry what? He polished off the remainder at my house with stale Gingerale … Gangsta.

I poured myself a glass of wine and proceeded to get ready to go on an adventure with my new friend and my old but good friend and during this time, weird things transpired to harsh my positive vibe I had going on.

1. When I spoke I couldn't get more than a couple words out. I spoke up for myself but all he'd do was laugh this now seemingly insane giggle.

2. He wanted to show me Devil rap music videos or something of the like. No - not my style of music - thanks.

At first I thought it was the music making me agitated so I innocently put up with more behaviour that started shooting up red flags.

3. He invited me to his Dad’s birthday so he could show me off. This would be the most important thing ever and he wanted me to be his date so we could show up for a minute and then run off and get hammered. Um.... I said I'd go but I'm not get liquored up.

4. He said that his sister told him to bring "his girlfriend" to his Dads party. He was excited for me to meet his sister and we'd get along so well, he thought. That's a sweet thought. He’s all cute and serious.

Okay wait ... What? I think I was processing the whole family, be best friends with his sister that I didn't really know what to say or how bring up the, "wtf do you mean by all that?".

Now, I expressed that his music was making me angry and I expressed that every time we met I didn't want to drink ‘n all that. He agreed with me and allowed me to play my music as he plugged in his buds and silently rapped away to it on my couch. Silly drunkard. I admired he felt free enough to do that though, and that I could listen to my music, which really did help my mood lighten.

Aggravations calmed enough to relax. We started to get along again. I finished up getting ready and we booked it out the door to see my friend down town.

Okay so at this point …. It looks like things are evening out on the pros and cons of Jessica’s Is-This-Guy-ok-to-Date check list …

Pro:

• I don’t think that he’s gay.

• Conversation stamina about general topics of interest

• Respectful: Not a racy photo collector

• He stuck with the plans we created. [Stupid Jerks of the Past]

• He brought me a present, just cuz.

• Super sweet and thoughtful.

• He bought a video game so that we could do something awesome together in our free time during the week.

• He dresses well, very put together and looks tasty in aviators.

• He has a tattoo of a chick that looks like me on his stomach. What are the odds!

• Offered to buy me sheets and a tattoo.

• Totally provides the type of quality time I need to feel loved in a relationship.

• He smells good.

• He seems like a proud lover, showing off what he finds beautiful.

• Suggested to do things outside, go places and meet up with my friends.

• He let me do what I needed to do without making me feel like it's a majour inconvenience.

Con:

• If he’s not gay, he still speaks like it and pays attention to details that girls would so it’s still a puzzling thing, this is.

• He has a collection of artwork uploaded to a blog which includes soft porn, sexy nekkid ladies, and weird fetish photography. All tastefully done because I can appreciate photography but, disturbing none the less.

• The slang that comes out of his mouth makes it hard to understand him.

• He liked to see me in pain from pinching. [Could be a fetish but I'm putting it on this side, yeah right here's good.]

• He is a loud and obnoxious drunk who cannot handle their liquor.

• He listens to such negative music it made me want to commit suicide.

• He didn’t let me speak because he likes to talk a lot.

• When I was allowed to speak he didn’t listen, for long.

• Assuming that we were more than just friend’s way to quickly.

• He kept showing me these weird things on YouTube that I didn't find humorous at all.

• He found his stupid t-shirt to be the best thing ever.

Jason :: Part One

2011-05-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since a rather eventful encounter with the opposite sex. I knew I'd have an adventure but I wasn't sure that I'd be down for what was going to transpire. Let me give you a bit of a back story to get you acquainted with why I'm so surprised!

You see, I met this guy within this application for my iPhone. It's actually not that bad of an app, real people and real conversations; had some wonderful nights chatting with friendlies from around the world. It's also refreshing to be asked what my favourite colour is, instead of what colour my bra is which is why this one person, lets call him Jason, won so many points with me initially.

One of my main things that I hate is being asked over and over again for more images of me when I’m trying to get to know someone online.

Okay, I understand that you find me attractive Mr. Man - and that’s really flattering and why we started chatting - however, you have overlooked everything that I’ve said, texted, typed, because you just want to get another image out of me.

I try to pull the conversation back to getting to know the person and then WHOAa-a-a-a-a-a-o-oo!!!

Please don’t rape my eyes with a surprise shot of your penis! Dammit … you’ve ruined everything!

Do classy ladies actually go for this type of shit?

So anyway, we got to chatting a lot! Not a day went by for at least for one point five weeks that we weren’t texting back and forth, or "Sex'ting" kids call it these days. I was confused on why he called it this because we weren't talking about sex. He showed respect, and asked me what my favourite foods were and if I was allergic to anything, etc. He seemed like he genuinely wanted to get to know me, which sparked my interested to actually put effort into getting to know him! I had a blast gushing about random thoughts! I raved about this Video Game, Left for Dead II, [yeahyouknowit - ~~geek~~] he bought it a couple days after so that we could play online. I showed him the ropes because it is a game that I was once obsessed with and we played a good game or two, ribbing each other.

Great, I’ve got a new amusing friend.

Through our chatting Jason was providing some amazing compliments, making me feel like a lady – not a thing or a slut – but I was rather curious on what he actually looked like so I could return the favour, I’m not a good liar and I didn’t want to say that an ugly person was beautiful if it wasn’t meaningful. There were a couple of images online through the app but both of them were not that great and, there was one where he looked pretty photogenic .. eeehh potential *nudge nudge*. I asked if he had more and responded that he was shy and feels like he's not photogenic - asking if we could meet instead. Really???

{Double take} Usually I come out with this line if a guy has been bugging me too much to see how my boobies hang to try to dance around the subject but no – he was serious and we made a plan to meet up that Friday night.

Friday approaches and usually I would think that I wouldn’t be talked to that day because I’m being seen. This is my ex’s logic so I figure that every guy was like this – naturally. No – I was texted pretty much as soon as I awoke and Jason was just as excited about our meeting. Sticking with my "usual experience" knowledge with men, I totally thought that Jason would sell me out for something better to do but again, I was proven wrong. I was starting to like this NORMALITY of a person and was rather enjoying the efforts he was putting forth because my main Love Language is Quality Time.

Flash-Forward to Friday night, we finally meet and greet next to the KFC next to my house. He was dropped off by two older males with goofy grins as they waved hello/goodbye to myself and Jason walked back to my apartment. All smiles. However, I was puzzled as fuck. Is this guy gay? Either way I was good but how the heck to you ask someone what their sexual orientation is when you 100% thought that they didn’t swing that way?

So we continue our night and I'm trying to still figure this out. His mannerisms and the way he speaks ( long and drawn out like a girl ) gives the evidence that he's gay, or maybe Bi but he told me he was strait. I don't recall how we got on this topic - I think he just blurtedly asked if I was a lesbian.

Um .. no ... I responded with a giggle, "Do I look like a lesbian?".

To which he replied, "No but I'm strait so ..."

Okay - answer given. Did he just do that on purpose because he know's I'd be wondering? Or did he genuinely want to know if I was a lesbian? If he did want to know this .. why? And ...I wonder, because of his display of macho gangsta ... If he's not out of the closet yet. Which, further conversation about his upbringing lead me to trust may be true.

Regardless of this pickle of a thought, I thought he was still a sweet guy, someone I could easily see as a friend. We clicked. We carried out our two point five day weekend together casually sipping alcohol and talking into the wee hours of the morning. I don't think we even slept well on Friday night from us getting along so well. We play fought. His weapon: Pinching. My Weapon: Teeth & Fists.

The rest of the weekend was enjoying cheap meals on him. He awesomely went and got me food even. Offered to make me some food, whatever it took. Monkey lines said right - rock.

Sooooo ... how does this guy stack up so far in the pro’s and con’s of Jessica’s Is-This-Guy-ok-to-Date check list?

Pro:

• Conversation stamina about general topics of interest

• Respectful : Not a racy photo collector

• He stuck with the plans we created. [Stupid Jerks of the Past]

• He brought me a present, just cuz.

• Super sweet and thoughtful.

• He bought a video game so that we could do something awesome together in our free time during the week.

• He dresses well, very put together and looks tasty in aviators.

• He has a tattoo of a chick that looks like me on his stomach. What are the odds!

• Offered to buy me sheets and a tattoo.

• Totally provides the type of quality time I need to feel loved in a relationship.

Con:

• Is he gay?

• The slang that comes out of his mouth makes it hard to understand him.

• He liked to see me in pain from pinching. [Could be a fetish but I'm putting it on this side, yeah right here's good.]

What are you thinking?

Hello World, It's Been Awhile

2011-05-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, have a look arouuuund! I know you know you're surprised you got a little message saying that there was a new post! It's been literally a year! How I missed typing away, clickity ClAcKing, spewing my random thoughts atchu guys. I've come back with just cause though - even though I did have cause before.

The thing is ... I have all these writing ideas and three of them are pretty excellent ideas for a few books! I'm still excited about some of my ideas and it's been a couple of years. Slowly and surely ~~with lack of motivation and discipline,~~ with personal life experience they are coming together and looking much more promising. So naturally since I've been motivated to get writing again a co-worker suggested I create a blog. Well, silly girl I have one, and silly ME - I don't use it! So I decided to sign online today, see how things looked and VOILA! Revamp-age. Boy it needed it.

So what's on the brain lately folks? For me it's been BOYS! I've been single for almost a flippin' year and just now I'm getting to be okay with it. After a couple jerks peppered my existence I decided that I'm going to use these experiences to my advantage. I'm so miserable usually as a single me, that I decided that I'm going to use this advantage to create humour and endless smiles across my face. I want to laugh and feel empowered and beautiful and awesome! Not feel like I'm the ugliest fish in the sea. I'm happy I'm starting to see the humour in this because ladies, if I repeated previous Calaeno behaviour I would be one depressed pretty lady. So with that being said, what I hope to do is inspire other ladies with my stories to laugh it off.

It's not you ... it's them.

Check out more from NatalieDee.com

Thoughts

2010-05-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

Where does it start? Where does it end? There are many interesting aspects of harmony but, it's never used as it should. Corruption is more common then harmony, it seems. How does one start to go through mud that is up to your eye balls? It's expected to open those eyes, in the mud, smile and smooth the mud over your teeth and bare it. Let it squish between the teeth swallowing it cold and liking the flavor.

Where does this chaotic scene end? Tradigy will strike when necessary. This will reset balance, reset life, reset harmony, reset Earth.

Earth is crying, shame should fall upon those who don't listen. I don't wish Negative occurrences on anyone, but merely wish to shake them awake from their own misery. Misery loves company but we do not love, it. Even though we do not love it, we welcome it into our lives lile a flowing faucet.

Push push push, me me me, kill kill kill. The self nature of a human being is embarrassing. I feel embarrassed to be human confused in this so-called 'reality'.

Change, we want change. Oh, but that's going too far! The change we need is drastic and uprooting. It will make you think, make you live, make you survive. The test is here. Will they pass? Will they carry onto the next phase of evolution, revolution? Will they admit their false sense of reality and mistakes? Will they clear their minds of the gutter living and explore another dimension of fate? Will they believe or will they scoff? Will they trust or die sour? Will they allow a difference? Will they allow their way of life to be fixed by truth and release story and tales?

Will they be blind forever? No, not all. But the vast majority will question happiness as if it's not meant for them. Or if they think it is, it may not be the right time for happiness. This is a backwards way of thought. We are backward. Indigenous peoples have it right. They are not backward because, they do not wish to participate in this lazy world of Sin.

This is 2010 years of wrong. I am sick of watching the fall of man. We have to reset and each time humanity crumbles. I saw the plagues, I saw the wars, I saw the desperate lives starve until they could not breathe, open their eyes, smile. Each life I die trying to make a difference. Lead man into light but I am getting exhausted with the selfish stubborn closed minds.

My support system is nothing on a 3d physical plane. Nor can many comprehend where my knowledge comes from. Why I act the way I do. You cannot see my guides.

I hate labels. Hippy, Druggie, Indigo, Weirdo, Crazy, Tree Hugger, so childish and uncalled for. I am me, helping you. It's hard to be slashed when you only want to see their minds balanced and happy.

My planet is calling, yours is crying out. I came to help your planet. Let me.

Love, my true self.

There is no fear in me. Prosperity is mine.

2010-04-11T04:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I am up at 3:31 am with a cup of hot steaming Sleepy Bear Tea with some diffused Rosemary Oil slowly evaporating due to the lit candle underneath it. I'm up this early because I fell asleep around 8, only being up for 4 hours previous from my nap before it. *Sigh* I'm helping my body fight whatever infected me, I have given it only 48 hours. Then, vamoose! It can get lost and dead. No intruders please!

I'll update you on my cleanse. It was awesome and amazing and I immediately gained weight after pounding away 3 bagels. But, I'm only a pound away from where I got to previously so it was only a slight fluctuation. I now look for healthier recipes and minimize the amount of foods that I get from the aisles of the grocery store (sticking to produce). I told myself that I would try one new healthy recipe a week and it's helping us stay conscious and take our taste buds on new adventures.

I promised myself that I would be dedicated and do the cleanse three times before I go away to Summer Land. I'm still actually eating the soup for my lunches so the transition will not be as harsh on my body. Since I have the flu (possibly a symptom from cleansing or stress) I want to cleanse a bit more. I'm trying to listen to my body and it still feels "clogged". I've eaten a lot of crap in my life and it's probably still in me in some way! I've started working out again too, and going to the steam room; Ensuring my vitamins are taken.

You know, I heard this from someone. "My Body Is A Temple; Why The Eff Am I Treating It Like A Shack?"

Soup Diet:: Day Six

2010-03-28T05:50:00.000-07:00

Day 6: Beef, Veggies (ensuring leafy greens), &; Soup!

I wake after having a healing dream. An old friend stole from me and there was no closure, this dream gave me that so that I could shed what is stressing me. From a book that I read, "Loosing Your Pounds Of Pain - by Doreen Virtue". I learnt that if you have unresolved issues from your past, this keeps weight on. It's like you're hiding those memories. And you wonder why you can't put down the food, if you're emotional eater. It makes sense.

A lot of pain was in my past and I pretty much seemed to have blocked out my entire childhood because of it. I'm only now, at 27, starting to remember. So, when a friend steals from you, with no explanation. A friend who called you close, who said they missed you when you were away for some time - you can imagine this being really hurtful. I still ask people around me what
they would do in my position. Some of the answers haven't been that pretty, and court crossed my mind but, I tried the route of forgiveness. It's obvious that this was done out of desperation, they are in more need then I. It's okay. If this helps, so be it.

I guess the forgiveness wasn't totally there.

Last night I had some time to myself as my love went to spend time with his brothers. I decided that being this cleanse and free of chemicals would be a perfect time to meditate on my desires. I thought about Masaru Emoto's work of how our thoughts effect water.

(The hyperlink looks like one of those stupid business, I'm going to sell you something type things. But I've seen the man in real life, I've been to one of his seminars, and his works is within the "What the Bleep?! Down the Rabbit Hole.)

So I thought that I would draw myself a hot, steamy, relaxing, romantic, bubble bath!

I started thinking about my money troubles and how I wished that I would gain some quickly, and easily. Just about 10,000 would suffice. I don't need a whole lot. I figured myself thinking this in the bath would amplify it. Use it as a conduit for my thought bubbles.

It must have worked. Immediately after my bath I wanted to sleep and I just listened this time. I dreamt about the friend who stole my money, and I was yelling at her. Frustrated with her being around with no purpose. I was scared she was going to take something from me again so I was very defensive. It felt like I was on this dream for the entire 11 hour sleep. Hashing things out, getting it all off my chest.

Weighing myself, I dropped two more lbs. That makes the total loss at 7.6lbs!!

I slept really well. I have been sleeping better then usual. And, it's easy to wake up I don't need that coffee that I used to drink all the time. I sure am missing the taste though, but not craving. The only thing I've been craving is that dang pizza!! Maybe because it has ALL the food groups on it?

I only drank water until 10:12. By 11:00 am I had about 2 liters of water and a bowl of soup. My theory today is that if I drink a lot of water, then my body will release it. Leading me to shed the additional pounds. This is such a good start to my 30 lbs goal! 22.4lbs to go!

For lunch around 12:25 I had my allotted beef with veggies. It's beef, tomato's, green peppers, carrots, corn, with sun-dried tomato sauce. This is suppose to be within a burrito of sorts, but I'll cut out the grains. I feel different now that I've had this meat, I think that the spices have made me a little weird in the head.

Today I have wanted to cheat. I'm bored of the food but I'm not giving up now! I'm not bored in the sense of -what- I'm eating. But just the variety. I certainly don't want to put back on the weight, and I have a tight budget for this healthy stuff. So I'm surfing around for some cheap ideas.

I weighed myself and I went up 2 lbs. *sigh* Not cool. The only thing I can think of is the beef we're having. And the additional steaks. After our last one I was so FULL and feeling so LETHARGIC that I think that I'm going to try to stay away from red meat. This begins my personal food diary of how it makes me feel. If I feel crappy from it, I won't eat it!

Soup Diet: Day Five

2010-03-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

Day 5: Beef Tomato’s & Soup!

I'm loving the fact that I can eat some beef today. Weighed myself, I'm now at 5.8lbs lost! Yay!!

When I got to work I felt weak from going up escalator, I always do go up it at a steady pace and today my muscles couldn't take it. They need some protein. I guess that is why it's BEEF DAY!

So, needless to say; Since it's beef and tomato day I haven't had breakfast. I'm not that hungry actually. I have had a two glasses of water, my vitamins and then had a slice of deli beef. YUCK! I didn't like it much and I'm happy the pieces are tiny.

At lunch, my manifestation of pizza came true, my work ordered Pizza. How EVIL! This is the only time I'm a little sad about not being able to partake. I also was offered yummy lemon loaf. But instead, I had my soup, raw tomato’s, and sliced beef with mustard. I figured the mustard was okay because it's in the soup.

Go Me! The only thing that I cheated with was eating a small piece of tomato off of one of my co-workers plates that was eating the Pizza. I'm aloud them, and she didn't like it. Yoink!

I'm not feeling hungry. My main goal today is to increase my Total Body Water percentage. The healthy range for a woman is between 45-60% currently I'm 47%. Good, but still on the lower end so I would love to increase this. I'm not sure how this can when each liter I drink just comes right back out again within 30 minutes. I wonder if this is me being hydrated and I need to loose the weight to change the percentage? Probably.

Tonight I get to have grilled tomato’s & Steak! I found a good guide which is quick and easy on About.com. Tonight I will take a tomato, cut it in half, and sprinkle with salt and pepper, grill, cut side down for about 5 minutes. Apparently since tomatoes are naturally high in sugar the grill caramelizes those sugars and gives the tomato some really great flavor.

{Fast Forward}

Well the tomato's sucked. The steak was alright, I would prefer pizza.

Curious I went to see my progress again!

Weight Lost: 6.4lbs
Waist Drop: 1Inch
Thigh Clearance: 2Inches - No waaayyy
Chest: 2Inches - !!
Waist: .50Inches - Now I know that this is the last place I loose the weight.

Jeepers, I mean I felt like air, but now I understand why!!!

If soup is the key, I should have two more bowls for dinner.

Soup Diet: Day Four

2010-03-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

Day 4: Bananas, Skim Milk, & Soup.

(Again, this is late - I forgot!)

Omg bananas

I rise and the first thing I do, of course, is get myself on that scale!!

I do have to mention that I did my measurements the night before and seem to have lost .5" from my waist and also each thigh!! That's right; I can finally cross my legs!

My weight was 4.2lbs lighter then my starting weight!!!

My man and I borrowed a blender. We wanted to make the best of these 12 Bananas. The instructions are that we have to eat at least three. Okay, we have ice, we're aloud to use skim milk. Smoothy Time Alllriiight!

So this is what I made at 5:30 am! It was really really delicious and light! I was so happy to be eating a banana and it tasted so much better then I thought that it would (considering that I don't like banana's all that much). All I mixed up was;

2 Bananas in small pieces (so it blends easier)

2 cup of ice (using the cup you're going to drink out of)

1/2 cup skim milk (using the cup you're going to drink out of)

Blend Blend Blend, Pour.

This was my breakfast.

Today I have been very successful in not feeling that hungry. I have been able to sustain myself on 2 cups of soup, one un-blended Banana and two cups of milk.

--------------

It's about 3 pm and I'm starting to think about the first foods that I will eat off of this plan. I was thinking a Panago pizza, the chicken taco on thin crust with no cheese and easy sour cream. Hmmm.

I'm going to cruise the net for some really healthy meals (cheap) that I can create for my Man & I. I really don't want to spoil my progress. It's going amazingly!

Does anyone have any ideas?

Day 3: Fruit, Veggies, & Soup!

2010-03-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

(I'm Posting This A Day Late, Sorry!)

I arose to have my water, vitamin d, and acai caps. Last night I had to go to the washroom a lot, seems like I got rid of a lot of water. :(

I weigh in 1.8 lbs lighter. My fat went up .4%. Maybe it was all that butter?

Today is day three! I get to have fruit, veggies and soup. I'm so grateful for the fruit!!!

I had the pleasure if biting into a crisp juicy red gala apple for breakfast. Yes, fruit is definitely more pleasurable then veggies. However I can feel the cleanliness of these pure Earth food coursing through my blood. I feel so great my body is definitely thanking me for what I am doing. My mind is screaming only a little bit.

I always called myself an emotional eater. Stressed or upset I would go strait to the food. I have gotten better though because about six years ago I would go to the store and buy cigarettes and chocolate and gorge on them until I felt like I was going to puke. The food was so good though...

That is one habit that I wanted to break. It's not good for me and it's making me feel less then I am. Don't get me wrong, some people are perfectly happy being the size that they Are and I know some friends that just LOVE their skin. They are beautiful bigger woman!!! I am to, but the difference here is that I personally am not happy. So, it's time for me to take more control over my life and stop hiding, being a social chameleon. Sometimes I still think that I have a past life personality, and was time warped into this century.

Today I am going to the washroom a lot still. It seems that I am now flushing out a lot of toxic stuff today. It feels good to have big pees. lol

I feel light headed after my two cups of soup for lunch. I feel like my body has nutrients. But, I do feel a bit odd in the head. I almost want to justify this from getting out toxins from my brains. ~~I would love a piece of decadent chocolate cake.~~

Well it's the end of my work day and I am kinda ready for more soup! I polished off my carrots, strawberries, 2 Cups of soup, 1/2 sml water melon and a half cantaloupe. I still have been peeing like mad but, my focus is more kept. I feel wonderful!

I have to admit that I am rather tired and wish to sleep until the night is over. People are asking me how I am and within here is may seem rather exaggerated. Honestly I am surprised that I haven't cheated, but not at the same time.

Last night ended with more soup and corn. I had a huge bowl of each and wondering what I would wake up to.

Soup Diet: Day Two

2010-03-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

I weighed .6lbs less then last night. However, I will not count this much because I did just weigh myself last night.

So far this morning I've been munching on celery and crisp green beans. My body likes it but my mind is screaming a bit, to eat something! But, I am mind, I am! I'm eating, I'm eating what I should be eating. Shutup!

Okay well, since I'm dreaming of bread and cheerios it's time to have some soup. It's only 8:30 but I have had nothing substantial. At this moment I will eat 1 cup of soup at my desk. I'm actually feeling a bit faint, but fantastic!

My body is responding well to the soup and I don't need a lot of it. As we almost went through a vat of it last night I texted my Man to let him know that we have 6 days left and 1 vat left. eek!

After a short jaunt to the loo, I feel like I just burned off the calories I just consumed. Slight hunger, but definitely bearable. Silly large stomach.

At 10:00 I am not that hungry. However I have been munching out on carrots, and celery non stop since 8:30. To my defense, it did say to fill out on veggies today and have as much soup as I can.

When I look at bread, it looks so scrumptious!

10:40ish and I can't wait for lunch. These carrots are just not cutting it! I need more soup. I have planned that I will eat my salad too my tummy is about to rumble for the first time.

11:42 am I got to eat my soup which was friggen fantastic to me. And right now I'm a little buzzed from the spices. My salad is going to have low fat dressing on it. This is cheating but I feel that 30 calories beats not eating my salad plain. I refuse to eat salad without dressing and I'm making a huge change not eating it with Caesar dressing.

At 3pm I'm ready for more soup. Craving. I really wish I brought more with me. The carrots and celery and water are tiding me over but I'm getting antsy and slightly frustrated about the lack of fatty foods. However, these are just minimal. I know my body is like YES WHOO HOOO LOVE THIS GOODNESS, but my mind is like, where is the chocolate, chips, and candy? SUGAR!! Tomorrow dear body, tomorrow you will have some fruity sugar.

Getting home I had two bowls of soup and went out and got some Gatorade. I noticed that I haven't been drinking enough water and this may have lead to me being uncomfortable today. The hunger pangs could just be the result of dehydration. Tomorrow I make it a mission to drink more water!

We baked a potato. We were aloud one large one tonight with butter. We made sure to get the biggest ones and We smothered it. It was so good and my body thanked me for the delicious carbohydrates. This diet makes you appreciate the slightest variation in flavor. Say, the taste of corn that we had for 'dessert'. It was sweet and full of juicy goodness at every squish.

I need to rest, it's bee a long day for my body. I wonder how much weight I lost today, I already feel lighter then yesterday. Airy, and healthy. This is really exciting for me! Could this be it?

Soup Diet: Day One

2010-03-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks, it's day one ... this means that I can only have yummy fruit and soup.

I'm kicking off this thing with no weight measured but, I do have my measurements. I will be taking them again at the end of the week just to compare, curiosity! I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't have my -forreal- starting weight. That's okay though, the bf went to the store during work today and grabbed them. I have a great starting weight (semi) I was six lbs less then I thought that I weight. This is promising!

Last night I have to admit that I ate much of what I had in the house that I thought would tempt me throughout the week. I ate the last of my Honeynut Cheerios in a huge white bowl with lotsa milk! We had tacos for dinner with ~~gobs of~~ sour cream (so tasy!)

Bye Bye Cheerios

Oddly enough I arose hungry. so I had a glass of water with some vitamin D (2000 units) and 2 Acai caps. I busied myself getting ready and I could still feel some hunger. On my way to the bus I hate an apple making sure that I had 2 more in my lunch along with a big thing of soup (4 cups), and a large yogurt container full of fruit to munch. (Watermelon, mango, cantelope).

I woke at 5:00am and had my first apple at 6:00am.

9:00 am I'm starting to feel the hunger. I have eaten another apple and a glass of water, sipping it at my desk. At that time I got into my yogurt container of fruit.

10:00 am I am feeling the hunger rotting away the inside of my stomach. I over exaggerated of course. It's not all bad, just can feel the hunger. I have 1/2 of my fruit allotment and filled up on water. One hour to go before lunch time and I could then eat my soup!

10:30 am and I'm feeling my body revving, getting hot flashes, anxiety. My body is starting to cleanse already?

11:15 am soup time! It's soo tasty and after 1.5 cups I was finished.

An hour later I felt myself crashing. Time for more fruit I thought and it perked me right up!

For awhile, I began to feel a wee bit straaaange. I want to say drunk, but not so sick feeling. I think it was all the natural sugar coursing through my veins. I have not eaten anything not provided by the Earth itself today.

Around 3:00pm I have gotten more hungry but it's not distracting. I ate another 1/2 cup of soup to tide me over.

3:30 pm and I made it through work with no temptation for chips, candy, and chocolate. I was really enjoying the fruit. I think that ti had to do with the apples. I'm slightly worried about this evening. But I'm taking it hour by hour, and checking in with my body needs. So far no dying cravings, for anything.

Fast forward to 9:00 which is me sitting here writing this. I did have more soup. About 2 cups. More water and also tasty Strawberries! I coooked up another batch of soup. Something tells me I'm going to need it.

Something also tells me something about what I need. As I sit here and think about the soup, how I long to try it with a piece of bread and butter .... Oh well .. i CAN"T ... tomorrow is my dream buttery drenched baked potato. Can't wait!

Loosing weight, It's Challanging? DUH!

2010-03-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

So my boyfriend came home one day and said, "Baby, look at this. July 15th we're going to SummerLand. Make sure you book the time off!". The one and only thing that I could think about was the last image of me @ SummerLand, eating. Or otherwise covering myself up. You guessed it, I did NOT like these photos!!

So my friend came to me one day and said to me that her doc said that she had to loose 30lbs. I took one look at myself and said that I need to loose about that too, lets do it together! She agreed.

At work, a co-worker and his roommate came across a delightful recipe. This recipe was created by a major Toronto Ontario hospital to rapidly and safely reduce a patients weight prior to surgery. It's safe! And after watching this co worker effectively loose 7 lbs no problem I'd have to say, it Works!!

So I thought to myself one day at home, "If this soup diet were to make me loose approx 10lbs each time you do it. And it's for a duration of 7 days. If I do this at least once a month, that would be my 30lbs!!!" When I exclaimed this my boyfriend was interested in this diet. He also climbed on board with the deal that we had to keep up with our sit up routines for the next three months. I agreed. Now, we have a set plan with a date attached to it.

Goal Created.

I'm going to post every day and let you know how things are going. Today, we went grocery shopping. One of the

first questions you'll want to ask yourself is just how much this new way of eating is going to cost you. Looking at the recipe is one thing, reading the directions and seeing what you also have to eat is great. Then make your list.

Our bill ended up to be around $150 for two people for 7 days of breakfast, lunch, dinner, and the acclaimed
snacks. And boy, I have never had this much natural goodness in my house at one time!!

This is the recipe and it's found on the following link. You'll want the link to follow the daily guide.:
http://www.recipezaar.com/7-Day-Soup-Diet-Recipe-215370

SERVES 10 -12
    * 3 cups crushed plum tomatoes
    * 2 1/2 cups pasta sauce
    * 1/2 cup tomato paste (1 small can)
    * 6 green onions
    * 2 cups beef broth
    * 1 bunch celery & tops
    * 2 cups fresh green beans
    * 2 green bell peppers
    * 2 lbs carrots
    * 2 tablespoons chili powder
    * 1 tablespoon coarse salt
    * 2 tablespoons paprika
    * 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
    * 2 tablespoons prepared mustard
    * 1 teaspoon ground black pepper

{Gets Started On Cooking}

I wonder how much weight I will loose on this thing!?

Catching Up!

2010-03-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

Holy Smokes People! I've been away for some time now. You guessed it, I haven't been taking enough time for myself and I've just been a stress ball popping vitamins to try to coup. Lets catch you up! Lets start with the terrible and end with the awesome!

Gone Wrong!
- Accident w/bfs car involving no other car or person.
- Brand new iPhone gets dropped in the same area as the accident! *#!!@$
- Feeling very very poor, I'm cutting back on -everything-
- Need to get a second job
- Not taking enough time for myself
- Not drinking enough water
- No weight loss has happened

Gone Right!
- Got a new iPhone to help keep my life organized & cheaper bills in the phone department.
- Budget is coming along so fixing the car & iPhone will be done within 6 months.
- If I get a second job then the time period of pay-off will shorten drastically.
- Even though I have no money I'm starting to feel richer because I get to pay things on time, it's fun. Hah!
- Learning how to manage my money
- Learning how to stay motivated & task oriented.
- The Love between me and my Man is growing stronger each day.

Right now there is sooo much happening around us all. Lately, we're all hearing of the bad things that are happening to our friends, or people that we just know from work, school, or what have you.

Just know that all these things that are happening are teaching all that are involved, a lesson that they have been wanting to learn to achieve that future image of themselves. Molding is happening. When shitty things happen just think about -why-. But not in a panicked state!! Actually think about why from an instigators standpoint and not a victims. It not only will give you strength, it will give you understanding of how to get yourself through it. Not easy, but necessary.

Has anyone else noticed these transformations?

Avatar, Is Amazing

2010-01-24T07:38:00.000-08:00

i don't have much of a post today, I just wished to share an article that I read on a popular movie that is just amazing. I want to go live with Na'vi & don't blame Jack for loosing the passion for this unconnected world we live in. Here is the artical I found interesting enough to share....

Avatar is not a fantasy, says Survival

Avatar
© 20th Century Fox

Director James Cameron received his Golden Globes awards for ‘Avatar’ yesterday, and revealed one of the central ideas of the film.

‘Avatar asks us to see that everything is connected,’ he said in his acceptance speech. ‘All human beings to each other, and us to the earth.’

Yet the futuristic story of an indigenous tribe living in harmony with nature and facing the decimation of their community and their ancestral lands by aggressive invaders is not only a fantasy.
Like the Na’vi of ‘Avatar’, the world’s last-remaining tribal peoples – from the Amazon to Siberia – are also at risk of extinction, as their lands are appropriated by powerful forces for profit-making reasons such as colonization, logging and mining.

Like the Na’vi, tribal peoples are discriminated against by a world that believes them to be backward because they do not aspire to the ways of life of industrialized countries and often choose to rely, as they have done for millennia, on their natural environments to survive.
Just as the Na’vi describe the forest of Pandora as ‘their everything’, for most tribal peoples, life and land have always been deeply connected.

Many tribal peoples believe that a sustainable attitude to the care-taking of the earth is essential. It is ironic that while the Arctic melts, the seas rise, the rainforests burn – as ecosystems are damaged beyond repair – so the peoples with a detailed understanding of them are also threatened, such as the Jarawa, who inhabit the Andaman Islands’ last remaining tracts of virgin rainforest.

James Cameron added, ‘If you have to go four and half light years to another made up planet to appreciate this miracle of a world we have here – that’s the wonder of cinema.’

One of the best ways of protecting the miracle of our world’s natural heritage is to secure the land rights of indigenous peoples.
A full version of this article is available for publication from Survival International. Contact Miriam Ross on (+44) (0)20 7687 8734 or mr@survivalinternational.org

Lets Loose Hate For Love!!!!!!

2010-01-13T17:59:00.000-08:00

The other day I was cruising my profile on Facebook. I signed up for one of those Poll applications and a lot of the questions are pretty controversial, which in the end certainly causes debates. The battle of the "No's" Against the "Yes's", both bashing the "I don't knows".

I certainly must admit that I need to do more research, but I'm a feeler not a thinker and thus, I spout suggestions that anger people and then they call me stupid (simply their displacement of anger, I realize). and all I'm doing is promoting love, funnily enough.

One of the questions was if your child told you that they were gay, would you support them? I answered, YES. I firmly believe that it's all about love. I have homosexual friends, gay and lesbian and they are just like any other people. I'm not sure why we want to write these lovely human beings off into another category. It's like we're labeling them their own race in the name of religion, and then slurring racial slurs. Like, the term, "That's GAY" doesn't make any sense! I mean I am trying to stop saying this because I don't think that it makes any sense. And "Gay" means happy so how the heck can I label something that urks me with a positive word?!

One lady was like, I would still LOVE them but not SUPPORT them. Um ... love means unconditional support. Does it not? Some parent they are. Do people not understand the psychological effects done to a child should it be shunned, or not able to be themselves? Parents are evil for neglecting their children in this way and to continue to be honest, if they have religon faces on - what that lady said is AGAINST the main core values of Christianity, love thy neighbour.

Anyways,

The other question was if War was justified. Yes, No, or I don't know. I answered "NO" and commented that War is never justified. Not when we have mouths. We have to think outside the box and realize that we can come up with different avenues of resolution. However close minded people debated this comment like I had just run my nails over a chalkboard.

Talk? That's just blasphemy! How could people talk to one another and come up with resolution. It's just much easier to blow them all away (that's what I heard from them trying to debate peace).

For the War question this one lady named Jennifer commented that without the war, we would all be speaking German. I replied to this and I have posted the comments below for your viewing pleasure.

Hmph

The only thing that I could think about was the South Park episode when everyone was trying to help the environment by driving Hybrids. And from this, those people felt good and was trying to spread the word, thus others feeling bad think that the environmentalists are more advanced then everyone else. One of the funniest things about this episodes are the people in their cars going, "Thhaaaaanks" with a wave of their hand. So all I could say to this lady in the end was that.

For this and the other question, you can judge how far we've come as a human race and the individuals within it. As we have always had war in belief, this has NEVER stopped and approx. 76% of the population who took the poll, believe war is justified. We have a long way to go...

One person even said to me that world peace would never happen. So I just responded that just by him saying and believing that it will not happen, he's contributing it not happening.

For the homo-question. It was more then I thought that it would be and I was really really happy to see that. I love all humans (minus their behaviors), except for the ones that are really negative - those people can be wiped off the face of the planet. I almost wish it could happen so we could have a do-over. However, as a species - this is our evolutionary period. Although We're on the right track because there are 20% who don't believe that War is justified. That is still 20% and I can bet this number will be growing as more and more corruption is brought to light and people realize that they all have rose colored glasses on in what some call, "The Rat Race".

So how about you folks? Do you think that war is justified and that you'd support AND LOVE your homosexual child?

Dreams by the Wayside

2010-01-12T19:28:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since my last post and I must say I'm sorry. There have been many things that have arisen that needed some healing, which meant time to myself.

Right now I'm going through some pretty major changes. Those changes have come from realizations of dreams and life. I've just turned 27 and I have no steady direction. I've asked for things to come and they are, I see them but in other ways, just when I think I've got it, the interest fades away. Except for some things...

1. Singing; Creating Music & Maybe One Day, An Album.

2. Taking a Metaphysical course. Tricky thing is find one that is credible. However the subjects I've seen are so interesting even if it's not I would just want to know all the information

3. Helping humanity through this evolutionary period. (some of you may question what this is, some not - but I'm not sure I wish to get into it because this whole blog is dedicated towards it).

4. Have a book published. I am in the progress of writing two books. Self help/Metaphysical type a deal.

For number one, I've only been practicing at home, annoying my neighbours. Maybe I will post something here one day for ya'lls opinion. I just record and record. Listen and Listen.

I've done nothing towards number two other then dream of it.

I help Humanity every day by trying to get the person themselves to see a different light on their subject. I listen very well and provide things for them to think about, which usually leads to some sort of better understanding of themselves, or healing. Other times it could just be a simple smile for a scowling person.

And for number four, I'm in the process of writing both. Hmming and Haaing on whether I should publish or not.

Are you guys having troubles getting your motivation up for your dreams? What are they? I wonder why this is, what do you think?

A Previously Untold Adventure, Seemingly Universal Lesson

2009-12-31T18:51:00.000-08:00

One into the third week of December, I was an hour late for work. It took me two hours to get there and it usually only takes me 40 minutes. The reason, the Skytrain was having a switch problem and the service was down. No trains were moving between certain stations, which included the ones I needed to get to. I decided that I wasn't going to stress out about this, because it's out of my control.

My good friend (who is also a co-worker) was caught up on the train too. Even though we took off at different trains, (I before Her) we met at the terminal station within 5 minutes of each other. Same track. We needed to get off our direct train and take a bus, we were about 1/2 way from where we needed to be.

On the first bus, my friend asked this older gentleman if he'd like to take her seat. It seemed that no one else was kind enough to offer something that it seemed he needed. Wobbling too and fro, unable to get a steady stance. He immediately took offense and shooed her away with a panicked look of disgust. How rude! I heard him complaining to the the woman next to him that if he took a seat, what kind of man would he be?

This could either mean two things.

1) He's too proud to admit he's old and unable to keep a steady stance. Not accepting help because his ego is in the way. Or,

2) He wouldn't ever take a seat from a lady.

I would like to think option two. However the negativity that this man exuded was like nothing that I had experienced previous. It was like a cord strangling the breathe out of me. This is the first time that I've felt a direct attack. My friend and I commented on it because we're both extremely sensitive to negative energy.

Instinct clicked in, (which it's doing more often I must admit) I bowed my head and breathed deeply pushing out the negativeness within my own body that I absorbed, and then sent out a burst of white light that vibrated through the bus. I ended ensuring that my friend and I were protected in a vail of pink light. I immediately felt happier and ready to take on the rest of our adventure!

Because we didn't know where we were going, we had to follow a lady who always got off at the street we were trying to get to. We all worked together as others didn't know either. One person took the lead and we followed. Which is usually how society generally functions. However it was fine at the same time because we were on an adventure. I had never been to the area of town that we were in, and neither had my friend. The surroundings were a blast to take in.

This second bus was packed to the nines. I overheard that the bus usually was empty and the driver was by himself usually around that time. Funny, we were like sardines!!

We got off when our leader did and we were only about 4 blocks from where we usually would have been let out by the train. However it was such a nicer scale of living these 4 blocks up. It's strange how things get so different so quickly. We took it all in, seeing what was around us and not being stressed out.

We knew that we were going to be late so we might as well grab some breakfast! There, we met one Manager who was also late, who also thought that they might as well grab some breakfast. Phew!

I had so much fun doing something different. In the end, my friend got pooed on so she has some good luck coming to her according to superstition. And the Manager who was suppose to be in when we were (not the one that was at the shop with us) arrived after we did.

I'm not sure of the meaning of why it all worked out the way that it did. Perhaps it was homework of the art of letting go. Or feeling negatively attacked for the very first time and being able to shield and 'let go'. I received a Buddha Board for my birthday which is all about living in the moment. It's a lot harder then you think, and not enough people do it.

On the theme of "Letting Go" and "Acceptance" this brings a good Segway. Just when I'm about to 'accept' loosing the one that I love, and 'letting go' of all the bottle up bullshh in my head. Things got better. In an instant. I could have thought to be a bitch about the transit system being down. But you know what, it's a man-made vehicle it's bound to break. I accepted that I was going to be late ...

Question – Beloved Master, What is Tathata — Total Acceptance?

Osho - Dharmesh, tathata is one of Buddha’s most significant contributions to the world. Tathata means total acceptance: whatsoever the situation is, don’t fight with it. Accept it wholeheartedly, because it is through total acceptance that transcendence happens. If you fight with it you will be unnecessarily wasting your energy. Accepting it you preserve your energy. Accepting it you become capable of understanding it, because only one who accepts can understand; one who rejects cannot understand.

Anything that you reject, anything that you become inimical to, you become incapable of understanding — because we avoid that which is rejected. We are really afraid of it so we keep it at the back and we escape from it; we find ways and means to escape from it. And if you try to escape from something, how are you going to understand it? And without understanding there is no liberation, no transformation.

Buddha says “tathata” — accept it totally. Whatsoever is the case, accept without denying, without condemning, and in that acceptance many things happen, many doors open. The first is: your energy is preserved, which is a great blessing. In fighting you dissipate energy, your energy leaks, you remain always energyless. And to go to the heights you will need great energy, you will need vitality. If you want to reach to the sun, the journey is long and arduous. You cannot go to the sun, you cannot fly that far away, without energy in you.

The man who is fighting his sex, anger, greed, jealousy, possessiveness — and there are a thousand and one things to fight — remains entangled in his fight; he cannot go anywhere. He is constantly disturbed and distracted by these things. He fights with one, represses one, something else raises its head — because he is one and the enemies are many. You fight anger, you will become greedy. The whole energy you repress from anger turns into greed. You fight greed, you will become very sexual. You fight sex, you will become very angry. You repress one thing, and the same thing with a new face, with a new mask, arrives from the back door. You will go insane.

That’s how the whole of humanity has gone insane. The insanity is so pervasive, that’s why we don’t think that people are insane. Everybody is insane! It is very rare that there is a sane person. To be sane in this insane society is really a great work of understanding, courage, rebellion.

If you drop all the conditionings that the society has imposed on you, only then will you be able to remain sane. Otherwise society turns everybody into an insane person. The society turns everybody according to its own mode, mold, pattern, structure. It gives you ideas, ideologies, religions. It poisons you from the very beginning; when you are in your mother’s womb the poisoning starts.

Now they are finding scientific ways of conditioning the child which is in the mother’s womb. Yes, certain things can be done to condition the child. For example, they have tried using a certain type of tight belt on the mother’s belly; that belt is made in such a way that it keeps the child in a tight situation. And they have discovered that these children are very obedient; when they are born they are more obedient than other children, because for nine months they have lived almost in a tight corner, in a prison.

In Soviet Russia they are trying the belt on many women. Now, the poor child who is not even born yet is already being conditioned, prepared for a certain society. He will be obedient. Certain music can reach to the womb. A soothing kind of music which lulls the child is helpful to create a slave. And so many drugs are available which can drug the child even before he is born — he is born drugged. He will live his whole life in a kind of unconsciousness; but that’s how the society wants him to live. Conscious people have proved dangerous; a Jesus, a Buddha, a Zarathustra, these people have proved dangerous.

The story is that the first thing that Zarathustra did when he was born was, he laughed loudly. Can you think of a more rebellious child? Children are not supposed to laugh when they are born; they are supposed to cry, but not supposed to laugh. He must have shocked his parents and the neighborhood and the people who had heard his laughter. Why did he laugh? And such a person is not reliable, not reliable at all — this is a dangerous man! He has done his first act of rebellion. He has already said that “I am not going to be a part of the crowd — enough is enough. Many children have cried, I don’t follow them. I will start my life with laughter.”

Whether it really happened or not is not the question. In fact it is difficult to laugh immediately after you are born, but the story is significant because it says something about Zarathustra’s whole philosophy of life: it is that of great rebellion. Zarathustra is one of the greatest teachers of the world — he has accepted life in its totality. He is not a renunciate, he is against renunciation. That’s why the few Zarathustra followers that have survived had to escape their original motherland, Persia. They had to leave, because Mohammedans were coercing them, converting them; they converted Persia into a Mohammedan country. Persia is now known as Iran.

A few people escaped who were not ready to accept this coercive violence. They came to India; they live in Bombay and around Bombay — the Parsis. They are the only followers of Zarathustra; they are very life-affirmative people. Hence many Parsis have become interested in me; to them I have a great appeal because I also affirm life. I am not in favor of escaping. It is because of Zarathustra’s total affirmation of life that Friedrich Nietzsche loved him tremendously and wrote his great book, THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA. He wrote the book to appreciate life and the love for life. He could not find any other master so life-affirmative as Zarathustra; a man who begins his life with laughter, whose whole life is a laughter. There is no pessimism, not even a strain of pessimism in him.

That’s exactly the meaning of tathata — accept the whole of life as it is. In your acceptance you will be preserving your energy, and you have inexhaustible sources of energy if you accept. Secondly: when you accept everything, your life becomes cheerful. Nobody can make you miserable, nothing can make you miserable.

A man with three hairs on his otherwise bald head came into a hair saloon and asked to get his hair shampooed and braided. The hairdresser got on with his job but just as he was about to finish combing it, one of the hairs fell out.

The hairdresser was very embarrassed but the man only said, “Well, what to do? I guess I will have to part my hair in the middle!”

The hairdresser very carefully put one hair to the right side and was about to put the other to the left side when that one fell out too. The hairdresser could not apologize enough but the man took it really cool.

“Well,” he said, “I guess now I will have to run around with my hair all ruffled up.”

This is tathata, this is total acceptance! You cannot disturb such a man. He is always contented, he always finds a way to be contented. It is a great art. And a man who is always contented and always finds a way to remain contented has the capacity to see things transparently.

Discontent clouds your eyes and your vision; contentment makes your eyes unclouded and your vision clear. You can see through and through, you can understand things as they are.
Tathata is also translated as suchness; that too is one of its meanings. You see things as they are in their suchness; you don’t impose any idea of your own on them.

And that is a miracle, a magic key. If you can see anger as it is, without any judgment, you will be surprised: seeing anger without judgment, without condemnation, without saying it is bad or good, should be or should not be, without bringing any “shoulds” in… if you can see your anger as it is, with no prejudice for or against, a miracle happens: anger disappears and its energy becomes absorbed in you. Just by pure insight you transform anger, greed, jealousy. And all that goes on dragging you hither and thither, keeps you running, never allows you rest and relaxation, is absorbed; more energy becomes available to you.

And slowly slowly, when there is no anger — not that you have rejected it but you have absorbed it, digested it — no greed, no jealousy, no possessiveness, no sexuality… you have digested all these phenomena in you. You are becoming greater and greater and you have energies available to rise higher; you have fuel enough to keep your fire burning bright and without smoke.

Dharmesh, tathata is a method of transforming your energies into your friends. Ordinarily you are taught such stupid ways that your own energies become your enemies and you are constantly fighting with yourself. Now there can be no greater stupidity than this; this is the most stupid act in the world that people go on doing — fighting with themselves. You cannot win, you cannot defeat. You will remain quarreling with yourself, you will destroy yourself in quarreling your whole life. You will die, and you will never know what life was. You will never know the glories of life, the grandeur of life and the tremendous gift that life was, and could have been if you had lived with right mindfulness, with tathata, with acceptance.

Source – Osho Book “The Dhammapada, Vol4″

A Green Greeting!!

2009-12-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

Who Was I? Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

2009-12-17T19:39:00.000-08:00

Over the past little while I've been getting little nudges from the other side to get another past life regression. I get that there is something that needs to be unblocked. The urges get stronger and stronger. Get this ...

A long time ago, I was guided into Utopia, a wonderful metaphysical shop that I frequented. I didn't know why I just stopped in my tracks and entered the store. I had nothing in mind to buy. When I was there I met a nice man. He told me that he was a soul extension of Archangel Gabriel or something to that effect. Hard to swallow, I know. But looking at him was like being lullabyed to sleep. Into a soothing state of peace.

Needless to say he captured my attention however not in terms of attractiveness. I mostly hear my guidance and I heard them discussing Goddess Classes. Something that sounded interesting so I kept hovering around trying to listen in on what they were saying. Then all of a sudden the topic changed into Birth Charts, and showing people how to do them. He's excellent at Egyptian Birth Charts and hearing the word "Egypt" always make my ears perk right up! Somehow I entered into the conversation, I forget the seg-way, but I ended up telling him my birthday and he mentioned what my path was. I don't recall what he said but, I found it to be familiar.

We then got on the topic of past life regressions, and he provided a phone number of a lady whom does past life regressions for a living. A lovely lady named Di. He also offered to assist me in doing my birth chart he would teach me for free over coffee, that I would purchase for us. The boyfriend didn't like this idea and I didn't call him ...

I never called Di either ... I was too afraid of randomly calling a stranger.

So enter present day; At work, a Co-Worker asks me if I know anyone that does past life regressions. Of course! I never threw away Di's number, which is actually on my vision board, and provided that to him. He said the call went smoothly, she's lovely, and she doesn't charge people and arm and a leg!

Fear gone ... thanks Universe.

Now, every time I pay attention to anything metaphysical I get an overwhelming sense of outcry that is unexplained. Something unresolved ... I keep itching with the question, I really wonder who I was? I know I've been here for quite some time. I would need to say that I was involved in each time period here on Earth. Over seeing the catasprophic happenings of history only known in our History books.

1. Egypt, of course. It was a huge Empire and many different rituals were performed to ensure survival on the other side. I keep having day visions of being in between two large white pillars, a blue sky. For some reason I cannot see below. Like I'm looking up at something in the sky and there isn't a possibility to look down. One Regressionist said that this could possibly mean that I held high court. But now I'm getting the feeling that if my view was stuck that way ... why couldn't I look down?

2. Another was somewhere in eastern Europe. I was an English single male "professor" traveling around doing theater shows. Punch and Judy to be exact!!

I tried to do a little investigating on this one because I don't know what time period this is. But if I traveled around I must have know those mobile booths (pictured above) of the late 18th- and early 19th-century all to well.

3. I can't quite place it, it was a pretty emotional memory to go through however. I was definitely la commoner, I didn't look much different then I do today, just smaller and frail. I had a Husband and a Son. The Husband actually feels like my current partner. The energy was the same, although it didn't look like him. Features were much different but, the energy was exactly the same. (We've always been told we've known each other previously, and I firmly believe this even)

I was told to fast forward to understand why I had died. I was coughing and found it hard to breathe correctly. My Husband at my side was concerned for my well-being it was understood that I wasn't going to make it. Lying in that bed under thin sheets, shivering from sickness. Sweating from the temperature. Weak ....

4. I seem to keep my looks, always looking similar. Seems like I am lucky and get to choose. This life was a previously well developed me. I was admired for my wisdom, outlook, and gifts. I helped others, I was a healer. I was respected in a city where everyone seemed to know me as I casually and happily walked about. It seemed as though i was in (what we would call today) a priest of some sort. Some spiritual adviser. But it was different back then, what we call crazy now was perfectly acceptable then and normal. People were more accepting then not accepting, in other words.I was someone of high stature that is for sure. But I'm not exactly sure of whom.

I was dressed in white. With gold accent pieces, belt bracelet. It was a flowy gown to my feet. I almost want to say Greece, but that doesn't feel right. Either does Roman or Egyptian. Not this life... the time period doesn't seem right ... anyone have any ideas?

After experiencing this the Regressionist asked me to ask what this life's' name was and if she could stay connected. In this life, I would need to choose symbols for when all three come together, 2 symbols and name, it's direct relation to her.

Kara, Oranges, Lilly's

She (the Regressionist) was surprised that I got a name, and so quickly. It seemed "Kara" knew that this was surely a step to my growth here in this time. There have been times when all three symbols have popped out, it's rare though.

Today the Universe conjured up another situation to make me think to get a past life regression. We were all chatting and then I forget the topic that I was on, but a co-worker stated, "Burn the Witch".

For some reason I got defensive and insulted (but didn't express this much because I mean, crazy!) I stated that "Hey, that's a really good song, but otherwise .. ugh" I really really really felt anger boiling inside of me and it totally wasn't directed at the co-worker. It was at the fact that we were burned. (Haha, if you noticed I just typed "we". I'm leaving that there because subconscious typing says a lot) So, I'm thinking that my blocks are specifically from the Witch Trials. Perhaps this is were my Medieval roots come in?

Maybe I still don't think it's safe to be ... me ... considering witch hunts still occur today, especially in Africa and some parts of Asia. We hardly know anything about the world that we live in, it's a shame that more minds cannot be expanded to see that magick really does exist. My mind is urging for more knowledge and understanding ... it's like I'm waiting for the world to catch up so I'm no longer limited ...

The Bad, The Good, & The Resolutions

2009-12-09T05:02:00.000-08:00

Good-day Friends,

I'm up a little earlier then usual today, (4:30) I think that I'm going to try to get to work at least 10 minutes early. That would be something, wouldn't it!? Usually in the mornings I'm in a slight rush. I do end up forgetting at least one thing due to this rush and if I do happen to miss a bus because it came early (i.e yesterdays incident), I'm screwed. So today, I'm going to leave 10 minutes earlier then I do normally.

I've been thinking more and more about the negative aspects of this year and of course, the positive. Additionally what I would like my resolutions to be for 2010. I have laid out the pros & cons of 2009 and I must say that despite all the life altering changes that have happened, more positive things are noted. Realizing this motivates me for further changes in 2010.

I'm sure that I could add to this list, but here is what I have so far.

There are those things that were negative throughout the year:

- Getting Laid off from eBay
- Getting screwed out of a $200 rent deposit.
- Moving, Twice
- Having the love of my life break up with me and going through that whole death of the heart experience.
- Not able to afford to go to Bikrams. Sadness.
- Ending the year with zero money in my savings for the future and for my teeth, and to pay back my mom and grandparents.
- I still haven't started any metaphysical course like I said that I would if I got this computer.
- Realization of needing to work two jobs at one time for awhile
- I keep blocking my higher-self connection with smoking and drinking and a diet less then it should be.
- I still haven't been able to exercise as regularly as I want to.
- No drive to get stuff done
- Keep holing myself away like a hermit

There are those things that were positive throughout the year:

- Finding an apartment that I love and it's beginning to look more and more like home every day.
- Finding another job quickly after being laid off.
- Meeting my best friends new little baby boy, Joesph.
- Discovering aspects of myself that needed healing and change.
- My body discovered Bikrams Yoga and went for a month, IN LOVE!!!!

- I found myself more disciplined with my money, forming more budgets then I usually would.
- Starting getting more creative by writing a book, a blog, and painting.
- I got a camera and now able to take amazing photos of my life.
- I got to go to visit other places of British Columbia, Summerland being one of them I never went to previously.
- I got to see my Family back in Ontario, even though it was a negative reason to get me there.
- I was able to pay back my Aunt for the funds she lent me for that school loan, now interest can build for her little boys college fund.
- I was able to pay the government the taxes that I owed due to a miss-payout.
- I got a brand new computer for really really cheap! $200!
- Starting to remember things about my childhood!
- Did a lot of "self-help" (so to speak) to put me back in touch with me.

- I've been able to feel a deepness of love so much, it brings me to my knees.
- I've got a pretty darn cute hair cut
- My teeth are in better shape
- I was able to unlock my awareness to another level and predict things more quickly.
- I met some incredible new people to share universal experiences with and who understand where I'm coming from and what I'm sayin when I go off on an tangent

- Discovering just how much my friends actually do care about me.

Definately more positive things have happened to me this year!!!! Now, I don't see it as so bad. 2009, you did your work!

I heard that with New Years Resolutions, you need to impliment them right away and they will have a better success rate. Here on my resolutions so far.

- Plan meals and always ensure that i'm eating.
- Exercise at least 2x per week for at least 1.5hr per session.
- Act upon intuition pulls
- Hang up my clothes when the laundry is finished
- Focus on need to do's, not want to do's.
- Make a routien cleaning day, and make more of an effort to put things back where i get them from.
- Read the books that I have lining up.
- Call and hang out with my friends a lot more
- Do more "pay it forward" actions.
- Meditate
- Love my Partner the best I know how.

- Participate In Holidays

- Remember Birthdays (I will no longer be horrible, I'll be good at this!)

2010 is going to be another whirlwind as we wind up for a more golden age of happiness. What are your resolutions?

Love It or Reinvent. Can't Reinvent? List it!

2009-12-07T18:45:00.000-08:00

So listening to some memory-lane classics such as "Gin & Juice - DeVante Swing" from 1995, and "My Love Is For Real - Paula Abdul" ~~(Good Video - I remember when it was her and "Scream - Michael Jackson (ft. Janet)" never failed to be on one right after another)~~ and thinking about how to create some money from the littlest effort possible, I decided to do the whole "Love It, or List It" thing.

I have a lot of things around here that I'm holding onto and I'm not sure why. (And, if I blog about doing this just maybe I will muster up the motivation to get my arse in gear.) The items are from times when things were tough, and I'm all about re-balancing my energy lately. So far, I've made little touch ups to my place like hanging things that I didn't think that I could before, reinventing some things. I'll let you take a peak.

This was a picture that I've always loved, but for some reason it just wasn't working ...

I have been longing to hang one of my Marilyn Monroe posters that I got a long time ago from my Aunt. They are getting tattered on the edges, since they are from the 70's and been posted up with tape and what not. I had one of those Eureka moments, and put the two together, and now I have a more decorated wall!

My angel wings are the best thing that has come into my life recently in regards to home dècor, when I re-located my whale turned Marilyn frame, I put up the wings just to see how many screws I might need to hold it up (it's iron). And low and behold, I needed only the one that was in the wall.

Just from making this minor change in my place it's changed the energy. Before it was a bit heavy, and now it's light as cherry pie!

So creating these new things in my home got me to go through all of the boxes that were just ~~shoved~~ neatly organized in random places. I realized that I have a lot more room in this place then I thought and if I effectively used the space well, it could turn into a home.

So far with the living room, it has. The bedroom is getting there, still unsure about what to do there. The would-be dining room area is basically a blank canvas. I was thinking of getting a chandelier like this ...

I was also thinking of changing the fixtures in the bathroom. For some reason they thought that it would be cool to put gold and silver together in a pinkish bathroom that goes perfectly with earthy tones. Umm, matte black there too? I'm thinking so! But, soooo can't afford it at the moment. ~~*humph*~~

First, I will be listing the eBay Swag that I have from my time as an employee. I've got buttons, pins, yo-yo's, pens, shirts, hats, snow globe, 8 ball, light up balls, blocks, no slip things, a blanket - jeepers ... they left us like walking advertisements.

I hope that it goes over well. I'll post what I made from all the things that I had eventually. I have to do this ... no more wasting time!!! The sooner I get all of this stuff out (without trashing it!) the sooner I will have more energy space, I will have more money, and feel good about actually doing something beneficial.

This Guys Voice Will Sooth Your Pain!

2009-12-06T06:56:00.000-08:00

I'm about to introduce you to someone who I think that you will find just amazing! I mean, I do! Everyone that I have shared his music with has also fallen in love. I have a feeling that the reason is simply due to the fact that this music is from his soul, to yours.

How I came across this artist was through an old friend and ~~we had a past falling out which we got over and came together to catch up~~ he's really into music, and knowing my universal take on life, he made me pay attention to this street performer called DubFx.

DUB WHAT? "Dub Fx is a Worldwide Street Performer who uses loop & effects pedals to create layers of sounds into music using only his voice. Originally from Melbourne Australia Dub Fx packed his bags 6 years ago and left with a microphone and an idea. Along the way he meet his partner 'Flower Fairy' who now travels and performs along side him. Dub Fx is completely independent using word of mouth & the hundreds of Youtube Video that bystanders post as a means of self marketing. ~ Willy Handguns // Neat Magazine//"

At his site, you can get a hold of his lyrics, and buy his music, and watch him and Flower Fairy rock the world with their love! Here is the first video that I saw of his ...

All of his music is amazing. I love these two titles:

"Wandering Love"

"Fly With Me"

I suggest that you pass him along to everyone, buy his music so that he can travel and spread more love and strength to the world. I'm so in love with this artist and his partner that I wrote to Ellen and suggested that they get him on the show!! The energy is the same.

I hope you like!

My Positive Thoughts Are Manifesting More Rapidly.

2009-12-05T06:32:00.000-08:00

Okay so in my line of work no one really gets any Canadian Holidays off because most of our Customers are American based. Christmas was one of those Holidays that's a no brainer day off. But Christmas Eve? I never work Christmas Eve it's -my- day. If you haven't guessed, it's my Birthday!! I was due on Christmas Day but didn't want to steal the lime light from Jesus so I came a day early.

Anyways, I never work my Birthday I always book it off. This new work atmosphere had me a bit worried but then I was like, "NOPE, I'm getting if off!" and immediately I put in my request with my Manager.

Yesterday Awmb was like, "Nooo, what? Nobody ever gets that day off. I haven't seen anyone get that day off before. You can try, I doubt you'll get it."

I told her to shush by basically combating every negative statement with a positive one. For example when She said, "No one gets that day off," I finished with, "But I will!"

So she looks at me and after a line of questioning she smiles and says, "Okay I see how things are and what you're doing here (in reference to my positive answers), I still doubt it though..." we laugh, and I just had to get the last word in saying, "I don't". And from that point, we both drop it. Letting it go ....

We work and work and work and work and then I'm cruising my emails and WHOA!!!! I received an email from our HR Department approving December 24th as a paid off vacation day. WHOO-HOO!!! Now I can sit at home and drink some rum and eggnog; Making sure I feel pampered and happy, even if I do have to spend the day all by myself!

Anything I can do, you can do too - remember that.

Love You

Guilt Is Insane!

2009-12-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

Guilt is an intrusive feeling so when I saw this excerpt from A Course In Miracles, I just wanted to share so we could all free ourselves! I know that everyone suffers from this particular 'guilt' and I don't know about you, but I don't want to ever feel that way again ...

"If you try to displace your guilt, you will feel guilty. Nor will you find satisfaction and peace with the person that you're displacing on as you're union with them is not real. You will see guilt in that relationship because you put it there.

It is inevitable that those who suffer with guilt will attempt to displace it because they do believe in it. Yet though they suffer, they will not look within and let it go. They cannot know love and cannot understand what loving is. When you maintain that you are guilty, but the source of your guilt lies in the passed, you are not looking inward. The past is not IN you. You're weird associations to it have no meaning in the present, yet you let them stand between you and your brothers, with who you find no real relationships at all.

Can you expect to use your brothers as a means to solve the past and still to see them as they really are? Salvation is not found by those who use their brothers to resolve problems that are not there. You wanted not salvation in the past, would you impose your idle wishes on the present and hope to find salvation now?

Determine then, to be not as you -were-. Use no relationship to hold you to the past, but with each one - each day - be born again. A minute, even less, will be enough to free you from the past and give your mind up to peace.

When everyone is welcome to you as you yourself be welcomed to your father you will see no guilt in you. For you will have accepted the attonement which shown within you all the while you dreamed of guilt and would not look within and see it.

As long as you believe the guilt is justified in any way, in any one, whatever he may do - you will not look within where you will always find attonement. The end of guilt will never come as long as you believe that there is a reason for it. For you must learn that guilt is always totally insane and has no reason.

The Higher Self seeks not to dispel reality if guilt were real attonement would not be. The purpose of attonement is to dispel illusions not to establish them as real and then forgive them. The higher self doesn't keep illusions in your mind to frighten you and show them to you fearfully to show you with you have saved yourself from. What you have been saved of is gone give no reality to guilt and see no reason for it."

Love you

I think I Figured Out Who Santa Is … Get Out Your Lists!

2009-12-04T05:23:00.000-08:00

Are you ready for this one kids?

So I was riding the Skytrain yesterday morning on the way to work. Catching it in a different direction, I was thinking about Christmas and how I didn’t want it to come because I don’t want to go through it and be lonely. I’m like, petrified of sitting at home here all by myself.

Anyways,

So I was riding the Skytrain and it –hit- me. I finally understand who Santa Claus is. My goodness, I wanted to smile with glee and laugh with how easy it is to understand. Well, for me. If anyone else understands this then YEEHAWW!

Okay so, who is Santa? It's the combination of You & The Universe.

What? Oh reader please don’t go away allow me to explain…

Have any of you watched The Secret? Well for those of you who haven’t, I’ve hyperlinked you! Okay, so you have your thoughts and your thinking and hoping (which is praying) for your wishes. Now, if thoughts becomes things then wouldn’t you get everything on your list if you have good karma and you’re focusing so hard on that list, (checking it twice)?

Now no one believes Santa is real for one reason basically, and one reason only. How in the world can one man travel so far so quickly, and with such a huge load of toys? No one can. Your right. It’s impossible for one person to delivery that much in that short of a time span.

BUT, if there are many parents able to provide for their many wishing children, they truly will think that Santa came!

I’m coming to learn that magick is everywhere and funnily enough, that magick is choice. If you focus on the end results then it doesn’t matter how you get there, just that you know how you’re going to look and feel and be when you get to your end manifestation.

For those who want to know more about manifestation allow me to explain the vision board that I have…

It’s this board (obviously) that I stick up thinks that I want. Goals, affirmations, materialistic things like a cannon rebel xsi, oh boy! I crossed out the $799.99 and put 399.99, but secretly I didn’t even want to pay that much. So I kept hoping and wishing…

So weeks and weeks go by and I’m looking at this thing and imaging myself with a camera that looked like the picture on my vision board. I go about my life still thinking about a camera and I randomly went into Staples just to scout them out because I knew that they were having a sale!

I wanted something that could take a picture of a bee but I didn’t want to spend a lot of money either, as you know. And sure enough the sale associate lets me know that the one that will give me what I want is on clearance. Yay! So I get her to put it on hold for me because there is only –one- left.

So I ponder and humm and hahh and ask a couple people. Sure enough I went back to grab it. My reward for acting on instinct was that ‘unfortunately’ they only have the display model, and for this they can knock it down another 15%. Perfect!

I went home with a camera for under $300.00 that looks like the Canon Rebel and takes way awesome images, and I did eventually get a photo of a bee, too.

I’m silly and I had a rice cooker on there as well. My boyfriend came home with one randomly for free. Someone just gave it to him and so he brought it to me.

Check.

Speaking of checks … I made one out to myself for $10,000,000,000.00 in my name 12/12/2012. Now, no I have not yet received a check in this amount … hah … but I have received a check in my name with writing on it that looks like mine. My mom sent me checks and our handwriting is the same is so odd. This is significant because when I focused on the check I always just thought of one with my name on it. So in a way …

Check

So my lovelies, what's on -your-

Hello World, It’s Nice to Meet You!

2009-12-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

So, I guess I should let you know who I am, so that you can follow me on my journey through this thing called, "life".

Here is the part here I throw in my disclaimer,

My words are not evil, those of organized religions, as they may offend but certainly in no way will they ever harm you. May they embrace you and never turn you away. My words are for all who believe in love and energy!

I'm from Canada and I love it. I'm a Universal thinker and that means to you, my reader, is that I spew 'wild' and 'crazy' ideas but I'm just so sweet and attractive enough for people to find it endearing and maybe listen. Thanks Nature!

Currently I'm embarking on a road that -everyone- travels. The road to self discovery! 2009 has been one rocky road and I'm pretty sure that I can say that for almost anyone that I know. How so? Because it's the year of change!

Why do I call it the year of change?

{Okay so here I go, side thought ... I'm getting to be a little symbolic when it comes to numbers. Everyone knows about 111 or 1111 but some don't actually -know- what it means. Simply, it's the universe taking a snapshot of your mind, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires and starts to bring it into fruitatian. However, as it's a snapshot some of this could be negative. So it's always best to think positively! 2+0+0+9=11}

This year everyone I know has gone through a life changing experience. For myself it was moving -again- (I've done it 17 times previous within my 26 -almost 27- years of my life) and having the love of my eternal life, break it off with me. For me, this is pretty much the two things that I was afraid of for a long time, and it happened. However both occurrences have been blessings and I have to leave it at that.

Anyways, in short I feel effing awesome like I have everything in the world.

I did have to work on my true self though. Like, being it. And, learn some lessons that I could only teach myself. I needed to change for the better, for the success I will have in the future. Through the fears , I was able to see what I needed to work on. What inner peace needed to be had. I hope that makes sense.

I guess I should also let you know what I hope to get from blogging. Well, followers whom I can assist via written word. These types of "new age" conversations with people are rare, and simply because of the controversial natural of the topic. But I've noticed that more and more people are apart of this "Love Movement" and I've helped some find their identities along the way.

Hopefully, I'll be able to assist in awakening others through these words.

Love you